I can’t say these things out loud or even write them clearly… because I am so ashamed… Ashamed for two very different things but the pain from both these things is equaly painful and is weighing on my heart and my mind so heavily.. :(
I took a risk with my heart and my pride yesterday .. A risk I don’t know why I took it in the first place ,a stupid stupid risk and I got hurt… I shouldn’t have messaged .. I shouldn’t have contacted you cuz now I’m hurt because you arnt here… And now comes another risk I know I shouldnt take and most of me dosnt want to take it but there’s one piece of me that has screamed for this for ever… And that part screams now and I don’t want to listen I’m afraid of it winning … I’m afraid of what would happen …. AaaaaaaaaAhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Your hurting me by shutting me out and I don’t know what to do I miss you so much and I just feel abandoned by all my friends who mean the most to me I just want you to come back in to my life this is killing me , I try and make plans and you always say your busy and I wonder if that’s actually the case or if you just want nothing to do with me … you say you need someone and you say your alone but iv been here the hole time just a text or a call away but they never come I’m just not good enough … I can’t remember the last time you started a convo with me first or asked me to go out and do something, I miss you so much and without you I feel broken and alone
I started smokeing and I’m so ashamed … I always said that I would be the only one in my family that didn’t and now I hate myself for it but I can’t handle life anymore, I don’t know what to do, what to feel, what to think … I’m so lost and not my self and it’s like I can’t make sence of it to anyone else let alone to my self … I’m so confused
You called me pretty girl today .. That’s so unfair I almost broke down in to tears.. It’s unfair because you calling me that still makes my heart race and that kills me… Am I always going to love you? will It always hurt this much ? It’s been years… Will I ever forget you ? :’(
I dreamt about you last night … It’s been a long time since I dreamt about you .. But it still hurt just as much… Again I had to watch you walk away and in the dream that broke my heart and I’m worried that because it broke my heart in my dream dose it still break my heart in real life ? I’m sad today … Now all I want to do is talk to you some way some how but you want nothing to do with me .. Every time I close my eyes I see your face .. What’s wrong with me … I’m hurting :(
